The Space Between
by lovethatleaves
Summary: AU. Nathan and Haley have a two and a half year old daughter, Katie, and are having problems. Will they be able to rebuild their life together after Haley makes the difficult decision to leave?


The Space Between

_There are few things sadder in this life than watching someone walk away after they've left you. Watching the distance between your bodies expand, until there's nothing but empty space ... and silence. _

"Daddy, daddy, daddy!" Katie screeches, launching herself into Nathan's open arms, seemingly unfazed by the fact that he's currently drenched in sweat.

"Hi, baby," he says, as excited to see her as she is to see him. "Daddy's missed you so much," he whispers a moment later.

"Daddy, Daddy!" Katie parrots, giggling even harder when Nathan sets her down and blows a few noisy kisses onto her belly.

"Look at how big you've gotten! Where's my baby gone?" Nathan asks with mock horror. "Are you sure you're still my baby girl?"

"Yes!" She nods emphatically, her dark ringlets bouncing as well.

"Yeah ... yeah, you are," he says with a soft smile. His face always seems the most kind, the most at ease when he's with her, especially lately.

I shift slightly then, rocking forward and backward and forward again. The sight stirs something inside me, something I wasn't really expecting, and I find myself choking on unshed tears. Nathan glances up at me then and our eyes meet, and lock.

"Hey, Haley," he greets me kindly, with his trademark half-smile, half-smirk. For an instant, I feel like it's years ago and everything is simple and easy. Happy.

"Nathan," I respond, giving him the best smile I've got. I know that it's not enough.

There's an extended silence, and it grows awkward. Katie glances between the two of us then, her bright blue eyes confused - eyes that seem much more knowing than I think they should at two and a half years old.

"C'mere, Hales," he whispers, and I can see that he's trying to make the request seem more casual than it is. I know that he's not completely comfortable asking anything of me, even something as small as this.

I take a couple of steps, closing the space between us, and lean forward. I place a chaste kiss on the corner of his lips, and I can both feel and see his surprise at the intimacy of the small action. I quickly step back and away from him.

His hand reaches out for me, but he's a moment too late. I've already moved just out of his reach. We've missed each other.

I cringe, feeling guilty, but push it down, choosing to focus on Katie. I reach down, picking her up and hugging her to me, dropping several kisses on the top of her head.

"You missed daddy when he was gone, didn't you, baby?" I ask, rhetorically, but Katie answers again in a rush of excited ramblings and nods. Nathan laughs, and I join in, and it feels nice.

"I missed her, too - both of you. It's so hard ... being away from her, feeling like I'm missing everything," he says, lowering his head and kicking at the arena floor.

"I know that. I think she does, too. I talk about you to her all the time, I promise," I respond, and I wonder if my voice sounds as stilted to him as it does to me. When did that happen?

His eyes cloud a bit, a deep sigh escapes his lips, and I have my answer. I swallow the lump in my throat.

"Um, great game, by the way! You're always, you know ... good. Really great." I say, stumbling over the words somewhat awkwardly.

He laughs, but it fades quickly into another sad smile.

"Thanks, Haley. Anyway, I'm sure you guys are ready to get out of here. Katie looks tired," he says, leaning forward to rub his nose against hers softly, dropping a kiss on forehead. "I'm going to go grab a really quick shower."

It sounds more like a question, though, so I nod, letting him know that it's fine. He lingers in front of us, anyway, seeming unsure - of what, I don't know.

"Go on, Nathan," I encourage him, gesturing to the room to our right. "We'll be here waiting for you."

His eyes darken at that, and he levels a cold look on me. His reaction catches me off guard so much so that I physically flinch. Glancing away, I rub a hand over Katie's nearly sleeping form, hoping to lull her further to sleep.

Instead of facing my comment, his reaction, or him, I turn my back and slowly begin walking toward the exit. I stop just short of the stadium doors, leaning my back against the wall tiredly, rocking Katie in my arms.

God, she really is just perfect. A mix of both of us - Nathan's eyes, my smile - but really, she's just Katie. She's her own little person.

"Did she not nap today?" Nathan asks. "She's really out." He smiles at Katie from the front passenger seat of our Range Rover.

"She napped. I think the game, the day, everything, just took a lot out of her," I whisper, hoping not to wake her - hoping that she'll sleep through the night. There's nothing worse than her falling asleep and waking up an hour later, wide awake and ready to play.

"I really missed her, Hales," he admits quietly. "I always do, but it was worse this time. I couldn't take not being able to see her when I'm home - and I know it's my job that keeps me away, I do know that ... but can't you try to understand where I'm coming from? Think about it from my perspective, too, Haley."

"I didn't realize that I wasn't trying to understand your side. And I never said - Well, I'm just not sure, which I told you. I was honest with you, that's all I can give you right now," I respond evenly, never taking my eyes off the road.

"A lot of good your fucking honesty does me," he spits. "You're leaving me, I won't see my kid, but you were honest, so I should just lie down and take it?"

"What exactly would you have me do, Nathan?" I scream. "Pretend that I'm happy with how things are like I've done for the past eight months? I can't - " I stop abruptly, realizing what I've said.

"Eight months?" He echoes, unable to hide his surprise.

"Nathan, lets not - " I try to stop him, willing to say or do anything to escape this conversation.

"Eight months," he repeats, forcefully. "That's - I'm pretty sure I would've remembered you saying that when you gave your little speech. So much for your 'honesty,' huh?"

I look away from the road then, glancing at him once before looking away again. I find that looking at him now hurts. It physically hurts. Though, it seems everything about this, and him, hurts, so I don't know why the pain surprises me.

"My little speech?" I repeat slowly. "My little speech, Nathan? I guess I really wasted my time with that then, huh? Maybe I should've just had you come home to an empty house. That would've been better, right?" I yell.

"Oh, yeah, Haley! That would've been a dream. Everything about this is what dreams are made of, really. I wouldn't have it any other way!" He bellows, thrashing around in his seat - ripping his seatbelt off, his movements jerky with anger.

"Stop!"

It's as if everything shifts and slows down in that moment. This fight, all of our obvious issues, everything. Nathan and I slowly turn away from each other, looking behind us both in horror. Katie is now awake in her car seat, her eyes wide with fear.

I immediately burst into tears, turning away - the entire scene becoming too much for me. Nathan doesn't look much better.

How could we have let it get so far with her in the car? We're her parents. We're supposed to love and protect her. Instead, we're becoming part of the problem. We scared our baby, our Katie. Guilt rises in my throat like bile.

Nathan says something to me, but I can't hear him through my own loud sobs. He says my name, and that registers. I look at him then, and his eyes are glistening with unshed tears - his face contorted into an expression of pure anguish.

I've never seen Nathan Scott look so broken. I shudder involuntarily at the sight of him.

"Pull over, Haley," he says, and every trace of anger is gone from his voice, replaced with sadness. "Hales, pull the car over," he repeats.

I do as he says, and he's immediately out of the car and climbing into the backseat with Katie, unstrapping her before pulling her into his arms. She's actually much less distraught than we both are, but she seems absolutely shellshocked, which all but breaks me.

We sit in the parking lot of some random store for nearly an hour - me crying in the front seat, Nathan in the back with Katie. And it's horrible, and painful, on so many levels. I can say, with absolute certainty, that it's the worst moment of my life. No fight with Nathan, no hardships from youth, not even losing my grandmother - nothing compares to this. Nothing even comes close.

"Don't cry, Hales," Nathan whispers, attempting to comfort me even as he soothes Katie back to sleep. "Please don't cry, okay? I didn't mean - I don't even know ..." He trails off then, a strangled sob escaping his throat, which causes my already tattered heart to tighten painfully in my chest.

"I'm sorry," I whisper back brokenly. "I don't know how I got here - how we got here ... I don't know what to do. I just feel really lost right now," I admit, immediately regretting the admission in fear that he'll lash out.

After spending years and years with him, I've found that most times he just can't help himself. Part of him doesn't want to hurt me, because he loves me. I honestly do believe that. An even bigger part of him, though, does want to hurt me. It wants revenge for pain I've caused him. It's just in his nature - maybe a side effect of living with Dan for so many years. You get burned and you burn back, but even harder.

That's not to say that I'm perfect. God knows that I'm not. As much as Nathan loves a good fight, I hate confrontation that much more. So, I escape as often as humanly possible. I run. I've been running for as long as I can remember, and even I don't understand it.

"She's asleep, Haley," Nathan says, pulling me out of my own thoughts. "Go ahead and get back on the highway. I'm going to stay back here with her."

I want to respond, because I know that he'll take my silence as a direct affront to him, but I don't trust my voice. I don't even trust what I'll say, if I'm being completely honest with myself.

We walk into our bedroom after putting Katie down together, and I feel panic rise in my throat at the thought of being totally and completely alone with him. Nowhere to run now, nowhere for me to hide.

He tosses his shirt near the hamper, before starting to do push ups on the carpeted floor. I'm momentarily distracted at the sight, at seeing Nathan completely in his element.

I wish there was something that made me feel as free as physicality does for him. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so trapped, so alone. Maybe, if I loved something, anything, outside of him and Katie as much as Nathan has always loved basketball, I would know who in the hell I was.

Instead, I feel like a stranger in my own skin. 'Nathan's wife. Katie's mother. Lucas' best friend.' I am defined by a handful of labels that people have associated me with.

"I have to leave, Nathan," I whisper, but in the silence of the large room, my weak voice bounces loudly off of every wall. It seems to echo as well, but I'm sure that's only in my own head.

Nathan stops what he's doing and sits down on the floor - his back against the wall, his chest heaving.

"That seems more like a choice to me," he responds, after an extended silence.

"It isn't, though. Not really. Not anymore. I _have _to, because I can't risk what happened tonight ever happening again," I say, wrapping my arms around myself, shuddering as I hear Katie's frightened voice in my head once more.

"You can understand that, right? I know you love her, Nathan. I know that you do, and you wouldn't ever want to hurt her again, just like I don't ever want to hurt her again."

"... yeah, but I love you, too," he responds, his voice husky with emotion. His eyes find mine, as fresh tears build behind my lids, falling unchecked down my cheeks.

"I know that, too," I whisper, struggling with every word, every syllable, as the lump in my throat swells. I swallow around it, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I love you, Nathan. I know you, and I know you're going to doubt everything now, but please ... please, never doubt that."

He runs a hand over both of his eyes before getting to his feet and walking over to where I'm sitting on the edge of our bed. I fight the urge to back away, if only because I know that being close to him right now will only make all of this harder, and it's already more than I can stand.

He reaches out to me, his calloused hand touching my damp cheek, and I sigh at the contact. He leans in then, and for just a moment I allow it - wanting to feel close to him, considering for just an instant that maybe feeling and being close to him physically will close the emotional distance between us as well. In my heart, I know better.

"Nathan ... I can't - " I say, pulling away from him, just when his lips were mere inches from my own, his hand inching higher and higher under my jean skirt. My body, my heart, everything in me aches. I want so badly to fall into him. Nothing in my life has ever felt more safe, more familiar.

"I just don't think I can be that close to you right now, it hurts too much. I don't know ..." I shrug helplessly, glancing away from his intense gaze.

His entire body deflates before my eyes, and he kneels down in front of me - his head falling to rest on my thighs. I can't stop myself from running my hands through his thick hair. It's second-nature for me, being close to him, comforting him. Just being with him. It's all I've ever known - all I've ever wanted to know.

His body begins to shake slightly against my own, and I realize that he's crying. The reality of that, and the finality of that, nearly knocks me over as my burning eyes grow wide with shock. All I've ever wanted was to make Nathan happy - to shield him from pain, not cause it. Never that.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I sob, leaning down to press my damp cheek against his own.

How can I love him with everything inside of me, and know that he loves me back ... and that still not be enough?


End file.
